Rivertown United Reformed Church

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she’d take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.” “Who,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?” Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.” Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

A notice outside Chichester Cathedral advertising lunchtime concerts said: “SANDWICHES MAY BE EATEN.” Someone had scrawled underneath: “SO IF YOU ARE A SANDWICH, DON’T COME.”

Seen scribbled in the dirt of a van which was a murky grey because of the winter weather, and was in need of a good wash, “ALSO AVAILABLE IN WHITE.”

A new Christian wrote to the Inland Revenue, “I can’t sleep at night so I am enclosing £100 I forgot to declare.” P.S. “If I still can’t sleep I will send the rest.”

Signing the register at a wedding the best man had difficulty in making his ball point pen work. “Put your weight on it,” said the vicar. He duly signed – John Smith (ten stone four pounds).

• Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
• Notice sheet: Your receipt for attending morning service.
• Recessional Hymn: The last song at Sunday morning worship, often sung quietly, since most of the people have already left.
• Jonah: The original Jaws story.
• Pew: A Medieval torture device still found in some churches.

Thank you to Margery for this item.

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.